Off to do Vipassana today?

What do I want from this experience?

Perspective and clarity on viewing emotions and detachment from the thoughts that carry them, in a way I’m challenging my mind to give me it’s best shot of emotionally laden ideas and for me to see through the whole charade.

I already feel a stronger sense of glueiness to the methods for samadhi, though momentary samadhi is at an all year low, I’m here to rebuild from where I left off, which is here and now.

Everything I’ve gone through is part of my journey, so to reflect on the past relationship is to seek thru vision of errors, to seek a letting go of it, of her and my supposedly perceived ideas about how she is meant to be and act to me. Accept it all, accept that I’m completely right and wrong at the same time, and I’ll never know. The only small victory is peace of mind which always is arrived at with a surrender and release of everything I thought I know.

Away with indulgence in sexual desire as well as the duality conflict of seeing it as bad or not good, it can b what it wants to be, for the benefit of my energy level and health, mental health re indulgence in blnd habit. Is to tone it down and act from awareness.

Increase on devotional purpose through goenk a chanting.

Newer interest in aspects of my self unfold meant re food n body, cont momentary samadhi, renewed interest in the dhamma, investigation„

I already own what I seek, it comes and goes.. Like a strong coffee. the train rolls forth towards the refuge! The thrill of the continued adventure, just being here invigorates me with energy I have not felt for a long time, a thrill of infinite possibility to be here now wherever now ends or begins up!

“the dhamma is so wonderful” friends life update in an email.

Here I am. Anicha pervades every hour of every day. I write to get some semblance of direction and self guidance. Elucidate the hazy misty mind region. Desperation of desire. How far out can I steer this ship of my attention. I feel the nonsense of falling in love or attachment. I’ve dug
Myself a hole, I adore the time we spend together, but the time we don’t is a very deep hole of longing. Sex has ceased, the intensity of our togetherness launches thousands of rockets of desire that permeate the space apart,.

I feel the need to create space with new attention. New direction, she can come with me if she so desires but this is my direction, and anybody else’s to join in.

I don’t even know where to begin, here I suppose.

O. A diary of experimentation

22/5/12
Purpose of mantra.
Refinement of perception
Steadiness of emotion
Etc
Aum mani pad me hum
Mantra
http://www.aypsite.com/366.html

Let’s see how it goes tmr

You are either in this hall right now or you hearing the talk somewhere else, but in either case I want you to bring yourself together, come back to this very present moment forgetting the days experiences and become very alert and aware of a certain sentence I will give you shortly.

Because I want you to first hear this sentence and then at the same time you are hearing it I want your attention to also be directed toward your own mental and emotional perhaps reaction to it.

But I want that to be a second by second spiritual habit with you to always know what is going on in your mind, know where your body is. But for now I want you to come wide awake so when I give you these sentences you’ll be able to discern the thoughts and feelings and reactions that it aroused.

And once you see what these responses are you’re not to try to judge them in any way, you’re not to call them good bad or indifferent. You’re to simply know that these reaction thoughts came to you and then you to allow them to go away,
to disappear from your mind. They will appear very swiftly when I give you this sentence and you’re to be oh, so wide awake so that you know what ever it was that you reacted to it. And then you to let it go meanwhile you have learned
something about your own internal reactions and machineries, which is all apart of authentic spiritual self-knowledge.

Alright, I’m going to give you the sentence now and you’re to not only pay attention to me, but you to pay attention to what you thought as a result of hearing the sentence which is this: “You must absolutely destroy what is working absolutely to destroy you”.

from a talk given by Vernon Howard on 30 July

nursing the sorest of sore feet due to train naivety (Trademark Kieran) - i’m actually quite lucky to be alive and walking, thanks due in part to a fellow well met named antony, who was my acquaintance on the long train journey to cochin, my ticket was not valid as i was on a waiting list so i decided i’d board anyway, the dust-bowl of mumbai had to be rid of, though the place has it’s own beauty and charm - definitely a brief stay only. hectic would be one word.

without a valid ticket i was removed and shown to the general compartment (indians with less money) a tiny carriage pakt like sardines, battling for space and air for 24 hours, there i met this dear pal, we spoke of religion, girls, and anything in between, laughter the required result of any understood or mis-understood conversation. goa came along and there came the man with the bag of rum, a little inner warmth for the ride ahead…

in general compartment, it’s very man for himself for the slightest amount of space to sleep on the floor. i woke up, antony next to me.. with daylight.. us the only two still sleeping surrounded by passengers standing around us “i’ve never seen this before” one man laughed.

…early afternoon, half an hour until ernatikum(?), kerala.. the naive mistake came.. feet hanging outside train, sssssslap, there goes the croc, up goes my foot, bruising, bleeding, shakey and shocked, mostly shakey, a brief conversation of giggles with the boy next to me and he was friendly enough to bandage my foot up with his sweaty bandit scarf.

we got off the tram and antony helped me to a nearby hotel, sore and sorry and without much sleep i crash, he arranges cheap price on hotel and gets me dinner, gives me pain balm foot massage and we talk of prayers and gratitude for being here and now.. we arrange to meet again at 10am the next day and he departs giving me a ring with mother mary - “when i find myself in times of trouble, mother mary comes to me.. speaking words of wisdom… ..::~let it be~::..

tomorrow brings the ease of some walking pain, enough to battle the day with a bit of bruising.. antony does not come, i have to vacate room… oh well, brothers for a train journey, brothers when in-need and onwards and outwards, brothers in memory.

the long walk to the jetty, sweltering indian summer. soaked shirts, heavy bag, all good - the ferri to fort cochin a beautiful trip weaving through islands, fresh breaze in my face, and a little girl playing with her daddy and smiling at me sits next to me.

fort cochin is a secluded island with little traffic (thanks) rickshaws and goats, the odd truck and car.. the usual rickshaws pass by trying to get my business, shoo’ing most of them off.. one stops with a smile, offers me a free trip to a hotel, commision for him bringing me.. sounds like an alright deal, i get to look and decide when there.

fresh afternoon shower, wash the train-floor clothes.. i wander outward, in front of the hotel is a big grassy/dusty field with cricket games everywhere.. babu sits waiting for me to come out, offers me a lift wherever, free trips to shops to get 1lr of petrol for himself, feed the family, all good.. i sit down and relax, a few other boys hang out, i’ve found a nice peaceful hang out, we sit around smoking cigarettes and talking and laughing, he tells me this is karaz street, shanti - a peaceful secluded quiet place to sit and hang with friends, we smoke some of the kerala botany and shanti some more.

good to be in a place where people feel at home

ps thanks peter for the message, smiled as i read it, soul-brothers on the journey of life hai5

i encompass whole universes within
blissed out on sound
below a burnt out sky
of swirling leaves of rich vibrant hue
and the whole cosmos will glow of
multicoloured dreamscapes
and our thoughts create mountains
and our emotions, the rivers
drip drop smash out dreams into the pavement
like ecstatic raindrops
that paint the sky
a vivid rainbow of creativity
that reverberates through our bodies
charging our souls with electricity
and here is felt experience beautific
everything is in play
in motion, formation, creation, transformation
and every moment will be intensified with meaning
and blue flowers with bathe you in smiles
and every birds utterance will be a song unto you
a vast choir of life victorious

and i’ll bequeath my soul to the leaves above
and to the earth below, with its myriad transformations
that dance before my eyes
on busy trams and deserted streets
waiting under trees
these are our precious moments
a plot cast out over a thousand billion suns
backwards through the halls of your memories
echo footprints of times long past
and futures yet to be experienced

and in the deepest moments of reflection
you can look into my eyes
and i will give you my soul
and charge you with my electricity
and our chemistry will dance
the great energy dance
of lovers reunified in new form
for the very first time

she whispers to me
a thousand and one secrets
of withered worlds
and perished suns
of patterns lost where love begun

to be lost dear friend is a frightful trap
nature has a blueprint
and the heart has a map

i leave for india in two and a half days. i really don’t have many expectations, i’ve read this, watched that, sought advice from friends, read many a list and still, i have barely an expectation, i know in 3 days i will be confronted with the chaos that is india, and even that (chaos) is an expectation that has nothing to do with the immediate environment reality i will face in 3 days, words words words, a blog to write more words

western society hides behind the veil of abstractions, so far as i have experienced. a tv-show facade, a copy of a copy of a copy, the immediate environment we all participate within seems so tampered and dulled down, clean streets, obeyed rules, walk this way, don’t smile, follow, for gods sake, don’t bring any attention upon yourself, don’t stand out, such is the life of the “public” shared moment, the ghost of an unchecked programming, an evolving pattern we participate in, each mind hooked in, conditioned by the learned habit of a process of removal, observation of the spectacle complete with actors commentary, the illusion of identity

but, like a frozen lake, the thin veil rests fragilely above a reservoir of love, breathing through the cracks are our shared experiences, the smiles of strangers, late night conversations, laughter and friends, mind-linkage; participation

love everywhere pervades, perception is the key, love is you, the environment is you, the observer forever linked with the observed, heaven experienced is merely a choice, i’m learning this more and more each day, gratitude and laughter, wonder and awe, forget cynicism, enough has been manifested, enough has been perceived, investment in the illusion giveth more weight. perfection surrounds, the world is getting better and better (pass it on like a viral infection)

i seek passion, i seek a theatre sensorium, rapture, revulsion, the full gamut, i seek a more immediate seemless day-to-day experience, i seek refuge from the wastelands of modern society, and revival in a land of chaos and poverty, i seek redemption in the mystery of a new cultural and spiritual frontier with a rich history of facilitation of the quest. but most of all, i seek what i already contain, welcome to the paradox. participation, absorption, the poetics of presence dancing amongst the journeywork of stars

love has been hiding within the cracks, the timeless glitch in the pattern of time, accessible for brief fleeting moments of radiant glory or for life-long reality-sculpting god adventures, the choice is here and now, access is infinite, the doorway always open

and so this new chapter begins, with nothing but a heart for a map